Silence
by boatandthesea
Summary: And the silence engulfs me, and its somehow deafening, as if all I can hear is the silence around me reminding me that I'm alone and I don't know what to do because I've lost my sister and my girlfriend in one day.
1. Chapter 1

**So basically this is my first fanfiction, and i suck at writing so don't feel you have to read it or whatever, i just needed to get it out of my system after tonights episode, my feels were all over the place! Reviews are welcome, the good and the bad. Errm yeh enjoy, or don't your choice :D **

**ps. the grammar is awful and its meant to sound kind of like a thought process.. and it probably isn't proof read well or very good at all.**

**pps. Not entirely sure i've worked out how to use this so the summary etc may all be wrong and the paragraphing**

It's now or never, 'Nikki?' I say, and she turns and looks at me, 'I'm not brilliant with emotions'

'Yeh, I've got that,' she responds, and her face is breaking and I struggle to put how I'm feeling into words,

'They make me feel uncomfortable, I panic, shut down,' my eyes begin to well, and I can see her brain running at a hundred miles an hour trying to think of what to say next, we stare at each other for a moment.

'Well you're missing out on a lot,' her voice wavers, and I nod slowly trying to find the words, and shes turning to leave and I can't let her just go without trying so I stumble over my words, 'What I'm trying to say.. Or ask you is,' and she cuts me off, anger and hurt ripple through her voice.

'Don't, Lorraine, I understand and I sympathise but I'm not willing to put my heart on the line so you get some practice at being a human being, I'm sorry that's just how it is.' And she turns to walk away and I'm left alone. Again. What did I expect? That she'd forgive me and we'd live happily ever after? Who am I kidding, she was never going to lay out the red carpet and welcome me back with open arms. But I thought...maybe I don't know.. Something, she'd at least let me ask. She'd at least understand how hard it was for me to open up to her. And I watch her as she walks away, and my loneliness surrounds me. The silence engulfing me, and its somehow deafening, as if all I can hear is the silence around me reminding me that I'm alone and I don't know what to do because I've lost my sister and my girlfriend in one day.

So I do what I do best, I run and hide. It's the typical Lorraine response when it all gets too much and I can't keep up the facade of confident cocky Lorraine anymore. So I go home, open a bottle of wine and drown my sorrows. Well that's the plan. But my thoughts are consumed with images of my mum, and my sister, and her, and I don't want a drink anymore I want to be sober when I cry. I want to feel like normal people. I've always been alone, for as long as I can remember, I never let my guard down or let myself get close to anyone because I know that I'm no good with relationships. I don't know how to act, or be or what to feel. I've told myself over and over again that I don't need relationships that I'm rich and successful and that is all I need. But with her it was different, and she is all I can think about and I'm suddenly struggling to breathe, and I am a mess. I'm telling myself that I made the right decision, cutting the relationship short, it wasn't going to last and it saves us both the heartache in the long run. But if that is the case then why do I feel like my heart is breaking in two, why do I want nothing more than to be sat in her cosy flat cuddled up watching shit TV? Or having a drink in that pub she likes so much with the fire and, oh god what have I done. Why did I stop things with her, I wanted to prove Michael wrong, that I did believe in the school, and that I wasn't a hypocrite, that business always came first. But none of that really matters, whats the point in putting business first when there is no one to share my success with. I've been such a fool, I don't know what to do because I can't stop thinking about her, her lips on mine, the looks we shared and I all I know is that I need to talk to her. I need to call her, I need to fix this. So I reach for my phone and scroll through my contacts. I hover over her name, but then doubt creeps over me, and it's haunting and I throw my phone at the wall, she won't want to talk to me, not after what I said or did.

So I sit and think and I ponder over what was or what is, or what could have been. And before I know it I'm crying, sobbing and the tears are streaming down my face and it feels good. I haven't cried in so long, and I've forgotten what it feels like, I relish in the pain, the cold wet droplets hitting my face and I smile because it means I am human, it means I'm capable of caring and that most importantly it means that maybe, just maybe I have a chance of winning her back. So I sit and I welcome the tears, and the pain and the sorrow. I don't know how long I sit there for, but I know it must have been a while because my eyes are closing and I slowly start to switch off, I let the darkness take over.

I'm awoken suddenly by a bang. There is a knock at my door, and I'm suddenly so awake and I'm hoping, silently praying that it's her. I slowly get up from the sofa, looking in the mirror as I walk down the grand hallway. I look a state, my eyes are swollen and mascara stains my cheeks, my hair is a mess and my business suit crumpled. But I don't care if she sees me like this, as long as it means that we can talk, go back to being at friends, maybe more, because I can't imagine my life without her, and I really don't want to. So I lean towards the door preparing myself for it to be a delivery or some business associate from the past, and I'm telling myself over and over again that it won't be her. Because why would it? I take a deep breath and open the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**I am so sorry that i left it so long to update. I'll be honest i wasn't going to do a second chapter when i started writing this, but the i got all your lovely reviews, which i didn't expect, and i felt i had to... So here it is! Thankyou so much for all your follows and reviews and shiz they were a nice surprise 3 Anyway, here is chapter two.. it kinda sucks and isn't proof read, and once again the grammar is stunningly bad, so yeh, oh and sorry it is so short! I don't know how you people write such long chapters, i admire you all!**

**also i am a total idiot, and can't work this site... is it me, or is it really confusing, anyway it took me about an hour to work out how to upload this chapter and i'm not sure i did it right :/ So sorry if you people who follow this got countless emails. Enjoy**

It's her. She's standing there soaked from the rain, all awkward and apprehensive and cute. She hasn't changed since getting home from work; I don't even know if she's gone home, I don't really care. But what I do know is that she is here, at my door, and I'm suddenly all too aware that I am staring, my eyes flickering from her face to her sodden clothes, and then back to her face again. My mind goes blank and I have nothing to say because I'm not thinking straight. She is there, really there, standing at my door, looking at anything but me, looking from the floor to the sky, and the grand oak panelling around my door frame, and once again words fail me and I don't know what to say. Why do I never fucking know what to say? I still can't believe she is here, after what I said and did. Because although I hoped it would be her, I didn't think it actually would be, but then who else would be visiting at this time of night? Who else would be visiting at all actually? She is the only person who ever visits me.

'H..H.. Hi,' is all I can manage to say. I curse myself silently, of all the things I could have said, and need to have said and I come out with Hi? I move slightly to the side, letting her walk past me into the grand hallway. She turns and looks at me, properly looks at me this time. Her eyes searching mine, and I know she is waiting for me to say something, or do something, but I'm completely lost for words. I open my mouth, but my throat tightens and the words are lost forever, so I shut my mouth again and walk into the living room, praying that she'll follow me, She does, of course she does, because why wouldn't she?

She sits herself down on the large cream leather sofa and looks up at me, the silence surrounds us. My head is pounding with everything I want to say but I don't say anything. Of course I don't. The tension rises, the silence somehow louder than before, and I know that one of us will have to speak soon, one of us will have to say something, because the silence is unbearable, and it's breaking both of us, 'Do you really have nothing to say to me?' she whispers, barely audible, but enough to break the silent bubble that seemed to have surrounded us, and I can see her eyes start to fill and that she is trying so desperately hard to not cry. 'I at least expected something Lorraine?' She's angry now, I can tell, her voice louder, harsher in tone, and her eyes are frantically searching me, searching for some kind of emotion to give away how I'm feeling. 'Do you really think that little of me? Do I mean that little to you? Did we actually mean anything to you, was there ever actually a we? Or was this all some kind of experiment, some kind of test so that you could prove to yourself that you actually had emotion for once? That you were human? Because if it was, it was a pretty fucking mean one.' She slowly stands up, looks directly at me and makes for the door. I stand motionless, just letting her go as she walks away. My mind, a whirlwind of things I should do, and say and it's making me dizzy, and I am struggling to breathe. And then clarity. Such clarity. My mind clears, and I know exactly what I have to do. I run after her, hoping she hasn't made it to her car yet.

'Nikki!' I shout as I run down my hallway and recklessly open the door. She hasn't left completely yet, she is reaching for her car door and she hasn't noticed me run after her, 'Nikki, wait!' I yell as she opens the door of her jeep. She freezes. She doesn't turn around and look at me. She just stops. I walk up to her slowly. 'Please, Nikki, just come back inside, let me explain,' She turns to look at me, tears streaming down both of our faces, 'I'm sorry, I'm just, just I'm no good at this. This relationship thing, I don't know what to say or how to act, I've always ended it before I started too actually like the person, but with you it was different. I couldn't stop myself falling for you Nik. And then I realised that I had, and I panicked, because I've never felt like this, and for once I wasn't in control, and it scared me shitless. I'm still scared shitless. All my life I've been in control, of my businesses, my money, my relationships y'know, and I thought I was happy, I honestly did, but the you came along and I realised what it felt like to actually be happy. I thought I could cope just keeping it professional, but I know now that I was wrong, I was so wrong. I want this to work Nik, I want you. Please?' I finally look up at her, and she is staring right at me, watching my every move. 'Please,' I whisper, and then she leans towards me, her hands reach for my cheeks and I think she is going to kiss me, but she pulls away slightly, just looking at me,

'Don't fuck this up again Lo, because I won't give you another chance, you got that?' She sighs. And then she leans in again, and this time I don't give her a chance to pull away. I kiss her. I kiss her with everything I have. I need her to know how much she means to me, and then all too quickly the kiss ends, and she is pulling away from me. She grabs my hands and pulls me into a hug. 'Shall we go inside, I'm soaked,' she giggles against my shoulder, and I'm laughing, properly laughing, because we are both drenched through, and we both look awful, and I'm laughing because I'm happy. I'm finally happy.

**This is probably the end now, but if you any of you actually want me to continue then i will, it just seemed an appropriate place to end if there was no interest :3 **


	3. Chapter 3

**Firstly thank you all for your reviews and follows, they really do mean a lot to me, and I didn't really expect any so all of you are fab! Secondly I am writing this semi-drunk, scrap that very drunk, which may account for why I have uploaded this at gone 5am so I would not expect anything great, but I felt like you all deserved an update, because I am shit at updating regularly ... Thirdly I would like to dedicate this to one of my bestest friends who I found out was writing a far better lorikki fic than me on this site but I love her so... Grr ;) So yeh, Enjoy, and review or don't enjoy, whatever.**

** ps. I want to apologise at how cringey and lovey this chapter is. It does not come naturally to write this sort of stuff to me, angst is more my thing and my spelling and grammar is atrocious.. (as you may guess after reading this god awful chapter) **

**pps Keep reviewing, the good and the bad... Love you all :3**

My eyelids flutter open as I take in my surroundings. My eyes blurred from a deep sleep as I try to focus on the feature wall in front of me. I'm in my bed, and it is light, and I am not alone. I can feel a heavy weight across my chest; it's comforting and feels so right. It feels so fucking right. I look down and see Nikki lying across me, one arm wrapped around my waist with her head leaning on my chest, hair sprawled everywhere. I silently watch her, my breathing shallow, trying not to wake her. I take in her beauty and wonder how I nearly let myself lose her; she is so perfect, and I nearly let her slip through my fingers. I was so stupid. But none of that matters, because she is here, now, in my bed, cuddled up against me, sleeping soundly. And I watch her sleep, I don't know how long I watch her for, but I try and match my breathing with hers, a heavy slow methodical breathing, and it feels as if I am totally in tune with her. I untangle my arms from around her body and reach for my phone.

It is early, really early and I still have hours before I have to actually be awake to get ready for school, but I can't bring myself to sleep. It is as if as soon as I close my eyes it'll all become undone, as if she isn't actually here, as if I've dreamt it all. And I curse myself for being so embarrassing and romantic. Lorraine Donnegan is not the romantic sort. She finds romance sickening and a waste of time. Romance interferes with business. But with Nikki it's different. Nikki makes me want to do all the stupid coupley stuff, like go for picnics in the park or snuggle on the sofa watching a romantic movie, or just stay up all night chatting about mundane things. I watch Nikki sleeping soundly, and I know that I am lucky. Really fucking lucky. I'm lucky that she is here with me now, I am lucky that she gave me a second chance, and I am lucky that she fell for me in the first place. I wrap my arms around her, match my breathing with hers, and slowly I fall back asleep.

'Lorraine... Lorraine?' I hear as Nikki gently shakes me awake. I flicker open my eyes and see her staring down at me; her eyes watching my every move intently. I smile up at her, and she grins back, 'Morning,' she whispers,

'Morning,' I whisper back, wrapping my arms around her tighter and pulling her closer to me as she squeezes me back. 'What's the time?' I ask.

'Time to get up I'm afraid babe, we have to leave for work in just over an hour,' she replies, leaning down to capture my lips in a kiss. I respond eagerly, kissing her with everything I have. She pulls away slowly, 'If we start this now, we are never going to be ready for work in time,' she murmurs against my lips. I frown and kiss her again, slowly at first but then faster, more needy. 'Seriously babe, we can't do this, Michael is already mad at us without us being late' she persists.

'Fineee,' I moan as I unwind my limbs from hers and climb out of bed. 'You're such a spoil sport,' I turn around and say to her, grinning wickedly as I head towards my ensuite.

'Do you think Michael would have told Christine?' I struggle to hide my concern as we pull into Waterloo Road. I'm worried. I know she can tell I'm worried; she's looking at me with that sympathetic look.

'I don't know babe, but would it be so bad if he did?' She replies taking my free hand as I park up in the nearest space. 'They'll have to find out about us sooner or later if we are serious about each other... we are serious right?' She questions timidly, as if all the confidence has been wiped from her.

'I...umm. yes, of course we are, it's just I've only just accepted this myself, and I don't know how I'll handle other people knowing, especially not Sonya y'know... she doesn't even know I'm seeing anyone. Let alone a girl,' I trail off as I say the last part of my sentence. I glance up, chancing a look at Nikki. She is watching me closely.

'Well, she'll have to find out sometime babe, maybe you should tell her before we tell anyone else? I'm willing to wait until you are ready for the rest of the staff to find out, but I won't wait forever, I don't want to be your dirty little secret.'

'You could never be my secret Nik, you are so much more than a fling to me, I am finding myself really falling for you, I just don't know how to deal with it all you know? It's difficult'. She squeezes my hand gently and looks at me.

'I know babe, and I'll go at your pace, whatever you want,' she grins at me, and I find myself repressing the urge to kiss her.

'Oh god I want nothing more than to kiss you right now,' I whisper taking her other hand in mine.

'And I want nothing more than that too, but I think if we sit in this car any longer Michael will come looking for us and we'll both be in trouble, look, I'll see you later yeh?' She opens the door, gathers up her books and steps out of the car.

'Yeh, I'll see you later babe.' I whisper, but she is already gone, walking into the school turning around to shoot a grin at me.

**Oh god I can only apologise for this chapter. I've also just realised I wrote that Sonya doesn't know when this is meant to be a continuation from ep24, so lets just pretend that Michael found out about Lorraine and Nikki some other way ;)**


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